Timing is vital for Effective Communication.

[What I've picked up from listening to Dr Kate Roberts and her 3 C's of Couple hood]

We all live busy lives which are full of transitions and with technology so prevalent it's inevitable that these transitions begin to overlap with our relationships. The problem is learning to pick our battles, know when to hold and when to fold.

Essentially we need to resist the urge to start a discussion that we know will require more time and attention than we both can give at that given moment.

We need to work our communication around our transitions. Leave it till we have adequate time to talk about the issue. If we don't, we end up opening a door that has no resolution and we begin to brood and harbor resentment. By the time we're both ready to talk, one of us will already be jacked with emotion. 

Same thing goes for texting. If it's a big issue don't text. Agree to set some time apart for later that day. The problem is text can so easily be misinterpreted! If the issue really is important then you'd want to see your spouse face to face. Being able to see each others emotions is so important. There will be times when you won't be able to comprehended how your spouse is feeling until you see it physically.

Texting has it's place in this world but it's not in the realm of Effective Communication. It will never convey the tone and emotion that the spoken word will. Instead it will rob you of such important details that could be the make or break of a relationship.

Conflict is Inevitable

Conflict is inevitable but at the same time, it's also the richest source of growth that a relationship can have.

Healthy conflict brings people together to solve a problem whereas bad conflict is an arena of accusations and hurt. You're wrong! If only you stopped doing this! You always hurt me! etc.

Jealousy is a poorly disguised need for Power and Control

Found this on the Dr Phil website today. It was a tough one to swallow.

"Jealousy is a poorly disguised need for power and control. Jealous people are tyrannical, controlling, domineering and completely insensitive to the impact of their actions on their partner. Are you getting a power trip off of this? Is the payoff that you keep your partner on a short leash and completely under your control?"

Why Now?

I eroded away a 16-year relationship basically because I failed to recognise destructive behaviours in my life. When I finally did I struggled to acknowledge them, to own them or to deal with them. In the end, I lost a marriage of 12 years and a wonderful woman whom I had spent 16 years of my life with.

Fast forward a few years and I’ve found love again. I had love and I lost it and now I'm lucky enough get a second chance with a gorgeous woman who's beauty is second only to her vibrant soul. Few people ever find genuine love and yet I am most fortunate that the universe conspired to give me another bite at the proverbial apple. 

But my problem is that ghosts of days gone by refuse to lay still and issues of the soul that were left unresolved begin to resurface. Slowly but surely the patterns of my shortcomings creep back in and the vile thing that is jealousy begins to rear its ugly head.. Already I have caused this lovely lady pain and countless tears. I have been toxic, I have been poisonous. These are far from what the traits of love are.

I'm insecure. I don’t know why and I’m ashamed that I am. I’m afraid, afraid of not being cool enough, funny enough, good looking enough, skinny enough, successful enough. Afraid that I'm not enough to keep her and that one day she’ll find out I’m a phoney. That I’m not as confident that I make out to be, that I haven’t got my shit together like I portray. Afraid of being found out. I push, I pull, I manipulate, I bully, all these ugly traits born out of jealousy desperate to hide my insecurity.

I can’t pinpoint why or when I started to feel so inadequate. I don’t even remember being like this as a child. But what I do know is that it can't continue, that it must be dealt with or it will destroy my life. So I reach out. I reached out to good friends telling them about my jealousy and how destructive it is. I'm bringing it out into the open so that I don’t keep this dirty little secret anymore. You see most people would never guess that I could be a jealous person. That’s how well we wear the mask.

It's been the first step to taking back ground that I've given up to this black mark . It’s been extremely embarrassing to admit these things to them, a huge mark of shame that I'm sure will stay until I can resolve the root cause. But getting it out in the open and having the advice and non-judgmental support of good people has already begun to lighten my load. Supplement this with counselling and all of a sudden there is hope that I will get better and that I will resolve the reasons why I am the way I am.

I am committed to loving this lady genuinely. I am committed to protecting her from the part of me that seeks selfish desires. I am committed to being transparent and accountable to those that love  and support me that I may keep this demon in check. Most importantly I am committed to becoming a man that I am proud of, that I may no longer be ashamed but confident and comfortable with who I am.

My name is Junior Palaita and for now... I am a jealous man.